Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is having an emotional reaction to a past event in our partner’s life, at which we were not present and before we knew them. But, before we can have an emotional response we must be attached to them – we must care. The more we care the more likely we are to have retroactive jealousy and the harder it is to overcome.

Retroactive jealousy is our minds way of protecting us from getting hurt, or rather the mind fears getting hurt and that’s why it plays mini-movies in our minds of our partners past relationships.

Hope is not lost, and no, Obi-Wan Kenobi is not our only hope! One of the techniques I found incredibly helpful is using the belief that everything happens for a reason. If our partners past relationships didn’t happen, or you were to change even the smallest event, it’s possible that they would be a different person and you may not love them. Plus, you may never have met!! Would you be willing to risk changing an event in their past if it may result in never meeting them?

This post has only touched the tip of the iceberg, if you’re looking for more help with overcoming retroactive jealousy I found Jeff Billings book – How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps – really helpful and it’s one I highly recommend you read.

If you’d prefer a personal touch send an email to hello@joehinchliffe.com or use the contact page, and I’ll do best sharing my experience to help.

Joe

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Forget What They Say

People are always going to talk, no matter if you’re Mother Teresa or Gandhi, someone will not agree with you. It’s as certain as the sun rising in the morning and setting at night.

It’s not a case of trying to stop them, but taking what they say with a pinch of salt. Someone wiser than me once said – What other people think of you is none of your business! And I completely agree!

You could save a child from mortal danger and there will be people who find something wrong with it! Just recently a child fell into a gorilla enclosure at Cincinnati Zoo and sadly, the decision was made to kill the gorilla to protect the child. In a perfect world both would be alive however, would you be willing to run the risk of a child being killed whilst the gorilla was tranquillized? I know I wouldn’t!

It takes courage to be you and stand by your decisions, conformity is widespread across society with most trying to emulate celebrities in order to fit rather than being themselves.

Be Brave.

Be Bold.

Be You.

And

Forget What People Say, They Will Always Talk!

Joe

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Have The Confidence To Be You

The only way we can have everything we want from life is by becoming a different person. And by that I don’t me completely changing your personality and the way you act so your loved ones don’t recognise you, but merely becoming more you. Emphasizing what makes you, YOU!

No Worries, Be Happy

The main reason I change the way I behave is, I’m conscious of what people will think. What will they think of me? What judgement will they make?

When I’m in this frame of mind I tell myself – it’s none of my business what other people think of me!

We are allowed to think what we like, there is no law on thinking…yet! And, besides 9 times out of 10 my assumptions (or paranoia) to what people are thinking are normally wrong. In fact, what they’re thinking probably isn’t about me – being self-centred just comes natural.

Express Yourself

The only way to be truly happy is to ooze your personality into every conversation and interaction. Accept who you are and be comfortable with it.

You are unique. Sure, not everyone will like you, but someone will love you.

Joe

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People Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel – Maya Angelou

You have something to say and you know the person or people you are going to tell will not like what they hear. This is a tricky one, there’s no sugar coating it I’m afraid. You’ll need courage for the words to leave your lips as you’re looking your audience in the eye.

A lot of thoughts flash through my mind when the challenge of bad news presents itself, the main one being – will I be able to handle my audience’s reaction. What will they think and of me and what will they say being the key aspects that haunt me.

But, every time I give bad news it gets a little easier. The experiences add up and you have a better idea what to say and, what not to say.

My number one piece of advice I’d like to share is, before you give bad news sit and think about how you’re going deliver it and how it’ll make your audience feel. Be sensitive to their needs and not only will they respect you, but so will the people around you.

Joe

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Have The Courage To Be Silent…..

…Have the courage to speak when you know your listeners won’t like what you have to say – Earl Nightingale

We all need courage at some point during our life; the courage to speak in front of a crowd, to ask somebody out on a date or to just be ourselves.

I was reminded of the above quote at the weekend whilst spending time with my girlfriend; Charlotte’s, friends. We were playing the game – I have never. For those of you who don’t know, you have a drink if you’ve done what the speaker is saying and everyone takes it in turns to speak e.g. “I have never driven a car”, if you’ve driven a car, you take a drink.

Apparently, one of them said – “I have never had a book on Amazon”, but quiet so barely anyone could hear.

I thought I’d take this opportunity to share what I took from the experience. If you have something to say, and you know the person isn’t going to like it you have two choices;

  • have the courage to say it to them in person
  • or have the courage to be silent.

Both choices keep your self-respect and the respect others have you intact.

Joe

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Share What You Know

Work harder on yourself than you do on your job – Jim Rohn

If you’re anything like me, you were brought up in a world where you had to protect what you know. If somebody knows what you do, they could do it better!

However, I have found that if you want to gain a deeper understanding, then sharing what you know works superbly!

There are a number of ways to go about sharing your knowledge but here are my 3 favourites;

Anchor

Anchor’s strap line is radio for the people! It allows you to record and share short voice clips!

It’s great for keeping people’s attention and interest as the clips as so short.

Books and Blogs

Speaking isn’t for everyone, but maybe writing is! Writing forces, you to put the jumbled up thoughts floating around in the mind into readable sentences.

A blog is a great way to get started, they’re simple, easy and free to setup. And it can’t get much easier than free!

I’ve developed a greater understanding on topics I blog about just by writing 300 to 600 words.

However, if you want to really go over and understand the personal development subjects you’ve been studying, write a book.

Having to write so many words really sinks the knowledge into the mind. And surprisingly, information comes out that you won’t have realised was there!

Instagram 

We all learn in different ways and some find pictures more effective.

Use pictures with words to share small, impactful pieces of information. The benefit is your viewers don’t have to invest much time, they can receive knowledge on the go!

To go one step further, record a video for your followers. At the minute videos can only be 15 seconds, but in the near future it’s going up to a minute. How much value can you cram into 60 seconds?

Check out my Instagram

Summary

We all learn in different ways: I believe the key to reaching as many people as possible is sharing your message in a variety of ways.

Life will give you everything you ask of it, if you help as many people as you can get what they want.

Thanks again for reading I really appreciate you investing your time. I hope you have found value and journaled it, to go over at a later date.

Have a great day and I’ll see you soon!

Joe

The Power of Influence

People who think they’re lucky, tend to lead happier lives – Tony Robbins

Influence is often viewed as something negative – a dark art which shouldn’t be used.

Tony Robbins talks about it positively – you can’t influence someone without gaining trust.

The YouTube clip below provides and interesting view and states that every single person who owns/runs a business must have influence.

*Don’t forget you can convert the clip to an MP3 listen to it from your phone while you’re preoccupied. 

Summary

I’ve listened to this clip multiple times and each time I’ve collect at least 3 points of value. Here are my favourites;

  • When you’re faced with a problem/challenge, the first questions to ask are; what’s great about this? And what can I learn from this? 
  • Your relationships today are the result of your rituals. Change your rituals, change your relationships.
  • When you’re communicating get the person your communicating with to say “me too” rather than “so what”. 

Influencing people is an efficient way to get what you want. However, with great power comes great responsibility.

Thanks again for reading and I’ll see you soon.

Joe

 How To Succeed with People

One of the areas that I believe is critical to achieving your dreams, no matter what they are, is people skills.

The ability to be respected and in most cases liked by the people you interact with will determine if you’re a success.

Here are my 3 simple Average Joe tips to succeeding with people.

1. Smile

Smiling is so simple it is often overlooked. A warm hearted, genuine smile makes you approachable and can start conversations off on a great tone.

Make it a habit to smile at every person you meet and take note of the positive responses.

Another major benefit, is the good feeling you will have walking round with a smile. Not only does it make others feel great but you will feel uplifted too!


2. Eye Contact 

Show people the respect they deserve by maintaining eye contact. In a world where we have to fight for attention, give the people you talk to the gift of yours.

Too much eye contact may be intimidating so glance at the person ears every 10 to 20 seconds. This prevents you glaring but still gives the person you’re talking to your full attention.

3. Meet Their Needs

If you want to succeed with people, meet their needs first rather than your own. Treat them how THEY want to be treated not how you want to be treated.

This doesn’t mean giving them everything they want if what they’re asking for is unreasonable.


Summary

You can succeed with people just be forming a few simple habits;

  • Smiling
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Meeting their needs

I find simplicity is key as it can be difficult to remember and implement new techniques when your constraint on what a person is saying.

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s post and have journalled the 3 points of value.

Have a great day and I’ll see you soon

Joe

Relationships

Hopefully I’m still in a relationship after this post – wish me luck!

“A true test of my belief that your past does not define you”

Advice From My Sister

My younger sister, Amy, entered into a long term relationship before me which meant she had a life experience that I couldn’t understand.

“Relationships bring out the worst in people” – Amy Hinchliffe

And when she gave me this nugget of advice I didn’t believe it would affect me, but it did more than I could ever imagine.

Trust Issues

I entered into a relationship, it’s all going swimmingly well! And then BOOM! Negative and dark thoughts start creeping in, it normally happens when we’re apart. Maybe she’s on a night out with friends or on holiday with the family, either way I’m not there.

Thoughts that I’ve never experienced before – “Who is she with?”, “What is she doing?” and “Who is she doing it with? You get the picture!

I’m a control freak so these thoughts drove me even crazier than I already am. It caused a few problems, but nothing too major. Eventually I got past them, but from time to time they may creep in, however they’re quickly put to bed.

How did I get past them? I did what I always do when I face a challenge I want to overcome – Read! I came across the book; How To Overcome Jealousy by Sofia Price . I recommend you give it a whirl if you have similar challenges (I’ve included my 3 Average Joe Takeaways below).

INSTA 290216 copy

Play to Your Strengths

The books changed my perspective to everything happens for a reason, if it’s going to happen it will and if it does I’ll handle it. I’ve handled everything else life’s thrown at me and I’m still here enjoying it, so why won’t I if my girlfriend cheats!

They also taught me to rely on my strengths. I’m nosey, I like to know things and I ask a lot of questions, I’m never going to change. If I were suspicious for any reason, I’d be like a dog with a bone, I’d never give up.

If there are 3 things, you take away from this post I hope they are;

  • Change your perspective – If you want a different answer ask a different question.
  • Play to your strengths – Know what you’re good at and use them.
  • Listen to your sister – Study every piece of advice you receive; you never know when you’ll need it.

A Book to Read

How To Overcome Jealousy by Sofia Price

My 3 Average Joe Takeaways

  • Insecurity – You worry because you think your partner likes someone more than you. This is your problem. This leads to thoughts like “I wonder if she will choose him over me”. As a result, you believe your actions are justified. Your ultimate concern is your partner will make a move which will end the relationship.
  • It is not love that is blind but jealousy.
  • If other people are ogling your partner, make them feel special rather than letting your own insecurities make them feel they did something wrong.

Summary

Thanks again for investing your time, I do really appreciate it.

If you’ve overcome similar challenges, please comment and share your experience.

Thanks again and see you soon!

Joe